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tokana's Diaryland
Diary
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Thought Trains
I signed up for this. I did. I’ve known all along that this period was coming and I’ve spent a lot of time mentally and emotionally preparing for this.
That doesn’t make it any easier.
Long distance sucks.
No. Let me rephrase. Long distance with lots of life changes sucks.
C flew into West Palm last night at 5pm. We went to a DMB Concert (it was eh) and got home at 3am. I am at work. I will get home at 5:30pm today. C has to be at the airport by 6:30pm. We had 10 minutes of privacy early this morning and it was during my silly half awake/half asleep state. I haven’t had an in person real conversation with him for weeks.
In the midst of all of this I’m moving in five weeks. Yes, to be with him. But he’s not here now to help so it doesn’t make it better. All the things that go into moving long distance; all of the emotions tied to leaving the city I grew up in, my parents, my friends; all of the packing; it’s all on me.
I’m telling you about it because I don’t want to tell him. To bog him down. His life’s dream just came true and all he has to do to make it a reality, to live his dream is do well for the next 4 weeks. The last thing he needs is to hear all of this from me.
But I miss him. I miss us. I’m sad to leave but eager to get out.
There are so many thoughts and emotions in me but I don’t know how to express them nor do I have anyone to express them to.
I signed up for this. I know I did. I just wish it were over.
Separate Train of Thought
I don’t like who I am right now. So. I’m trying to change it.
My social life has improved dramatically I have several groups of friends that I’m spending time with and enough meaningful relationships to feel fulfilled.
So why, you might ask, do I not like me? Others do.
I’m to structured. With all of the circumstances of my past life (student, working full time, etc.) I’ve become accustomed to having to organize everything. Schedules, dividers, plans. I feel like I’m turning into Monica from Friends. I’m trying to force myself to be more like Phoebe.
Maybe I’ll end up with a good balance.
I’m going to force myself to enjoy and embrace the first few weeks in Cinci when I don’t have to work. Don’t have any schedules to follow. Nothing major to accomplish.
My instinct is already kicking in. I’m already nervous about not working right away. But I think it will be good for me.
I’m also trying to be more laid back about my expectations of others.
Recently a lot of people have failed to meet my expectations.
I’m blaming it on my high expectations rather then on them.
Not sure why.
Yet another Train of Thought
I love my cat. He’s so perfect for me.
When I’m grumpy he cuddles me and acts cute to make me smile
When I’m distracted he brings his toy to me and wants to play
When I’m really wishing the other half of my bed weren’t empty he curls up next to me for the night.
I love my cat. :0)
1:23 p.m. - July 18, 2005
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