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tokana's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am Me I’m in a weird place right now. Feeling a bit ….disoriented. C is gone, not just for a vacation, but moved. He just signed a lease for an apartment in Cinci – well, Florence, KY really. It’s so exciting but so odd at the same time. Without him around everything is different. I was afraid it would be really bad – that I would come home and mope and be bored and just miss him all the time. I don’t. That’s not to say that I don’t miss him – I do. And I have caught myself moping a bit, but not nearly as much as I had anticipated. I know I have a history of allowing the ‘person’ in my life to define me. I tend to slowly and subtly change my habits, hobbies and even fashion style to that of the person. People who know me casually would be surprised to know this because I come off as a very independent and opinionated person who wouldn’t allow herself to be define by others – but those who know me well will confirm this. I don’t think it goes so far that I change who I am, just how I express myself if that makes sense. Sometimes I worry that because of this trait I have and because I have had a person in my life pretty much constantly since early high school that I haven’t really found out how I define myself yet. It is because of this that I was so worried about C leaving. I think I was afraid that I would be lost without him and it would be painfully obvious how much he defines who I am or that I don’t know who I am without him around. Basically I was afraid his absence without leaving my life would prove my worries to be founded. I was wrong. True it’s only been a week. But I would know by now. My disorientation is coming from expecting one thing and experiencing another. I am still me. I still have a fulfilling life without him. This may all seem silly to some, but I know there have to be others out there who can relate. C and I got together fairly quickly after I had gotten out of another serious relationship – as is my custom. I don’t tend to stay single long. However, when I met C I was really trying to stay single and ‘learn how to be alone with myself’ and ‘figure out who I am’. But then I met C and it all fell into place and it seemed destructive to deny a relationship on those grounds. When I expressed my thoughts to C he said that I could figure me out while I figured us out. Now, with us having to pull apart and not be so close it’s nice to have confirmation that I’ve done that. It’s like when someone you see every day looses weight, you don’t really notice until someone who hardly sees them points it out. I’ve been slowly becoming more comfortable with me and who I am and what I like but didn’t realize it. With C being gone and being on my own again I’m getting to see that once in a while picture of myself and I’m suddenly seeing all of my little improvements. And I’m proud of them. So far, for me, that’s how ‘growing up’ has been. There have been very few pivotal moments where I am consciously aware of the process. Instead there have been several occasions where something happens that causes me to reflect back on the past and focus on the present and see how far I’ve come. Things like realizing that I almost own my first ‘new’ car or realizing that my job has turned into a career. Please, someone tell me you understand what I am talking about? 1:36 a.m. - May 14, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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