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tokana's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Roomate Doubts I’m not so sure anymore if rooming with my brother was a good idea. My initial logic was that it would not only save me money and be a safe bet (I already know his living habits) but it would also give me a chance to get to know him as a friend as well a sibling. It’s not working out as well as I’d hoped. I mean, we are talking more and we’re more involved in each other’s lives. We don’t bicker like siblings or anything like that. But I feel like he’s constantly testing me. Anytime something happens and I know about it, I’m tested to see if I’ll open my mouth. It’s not that I have a problem keeping secrets; on the contrary I tend to be the person people confide in. The problem is that I am closer and a bit more open with Mom than John is. I get to talking with her and I’ll mention something off hand and later find out that I wasn’t supposed to have said that. I’m not ratting him out or anything, its little things like the fact that he wasn’t home when C and I got home at midnight or the fact that he met a new person at a coffee shop. To me they aren’t big events, but John’s reaction makes me feel like I just blew everything. I keep my mouth shut about the important things. The details about his latest date, big events in his social life, his thoughts on religion (which conflict with our parent’s views) etc. It’s the little things that get me ‘in trouble’. I want to be close to John, for him to treat me as a friend not as a spy for Mom. But I don’t want to always be on edge around Mom cuz I might say the wrong thing. Or even on edge around him. It’s like I’m having to prove something… Another piece of the puzzle is John’s closest friend happens to also be my ex. Its been an issue for a while – call me crazy but I don’t like the idea of being forced to be friends with an Ex. When the idea of rooming with John came up I thought I could get past it, get on friendly terms with the Ex and it would all be cool. But over the past week it’s become this big mess and I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. I find myself explaining and justifying my feelings to people who’s opinions I’m really not concerned about but doing so anyway just for the sake of my brother. He’s worth it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s more stressful than you would think. And I don’t think it’s helped at all. The worst part about the whole thing is that ‘everyone’ thinks that the whole thing stems from me having a ‘problem’ with the Ex’s lady, wrong. She’s fabulous, a perfect match for him, it all goes back to issues with the Ex, miscommunication and just the fact that it’s weird to have him in my life still (which no one understands). Blah, I’m not making sense. I’m just frustrated. Not just with this, but with everything. I keep trying to be optimistic and have a sunny outlook, but it’s not working so far. I need something good to happen to me – it doesn’t have to be life altering or earth shattering. Just something good. A good meal, an unexpected compliment…a new job, more money, a hint about where I’ll be living in 6 months, any of the above… *sigh* Thank you for joining me in my misery. 10:53 a.m. - April 11, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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